moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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