Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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