I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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