so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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