We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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