"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
