Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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