I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
