i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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