I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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