of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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