so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
