put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
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