So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
