They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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