There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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