I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
