is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
