I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
