I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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