If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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