I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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