I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
