Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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