I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
