i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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