The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
