In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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