She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
