Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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