My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
