omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
