no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
