she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
