I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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