if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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