Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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