11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
