final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
