i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
