Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
