I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize