i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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