After last night, I could never be a politician.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
