if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
