and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
