I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
As shirtless as possible
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Randomize
