Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
