it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
