I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
4 words: hood of his car
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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