I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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