Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
