look no pants
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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