he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
