You smell like a Billy Joel song
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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