Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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