I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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