I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
