Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
